How Zetsubou-sensei Saved Christmas, pt. 1

The most wonderful time of the year is again upon us, and you know what that means: fanfiction! And since Zetsubou-sensei is on my mind right now, gather round, boys and girls, and hear the story of how Zetsubou-sensei saved Christmas.

Sayonara, Zetsubou-sensei is the intellectual property of Koji Kumeta; the images used are from the anime by Shaft Studios. How The Grinch Stole Christmas and The Night Before Christmas have been parodied so many times I don’t really need to give credit, right?

’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Japan
Young lovers (and others), both woman and man
Threw re-straint* and decency into the trash
To gorge on false sentiment and spend lots of cash

But Itoshiki-sensei (called Mr. Despair)
Thrusting his hands in his tulip-shaped hair
Cried out: “I’m in despair! over modern existence
Which has quite forgotten the ideal of subsistence
And trains young boys and girls not to offer resistance
To jingles and adverts and sappy love tunes.

The girls in his class all loved Christmas a lot
But Zetsubou-sensei, who dressed like an extra in a Yasujiro Ozu film, did not
And that happy Yuletide found him, you see
Fastening a noose to the Tannenbaum tree.

But as he prepared to quit life with bravura
Who should burst in the door but young Kafuka Fuura?
This cheerful young maid (his own student, you know)
On so many occasions attempted to show
Our suicidal teacher of history classes
That life is best viewed through rose-tinted glasses.

Cutting him down: “Don’t give up!” Kafuka cried
And Zetsubou-sensei sputtered: “What if I had died!”
“You aren’t going to tell me,” he went on, as he brushed
dust from his sleeves, “that one can’t but be crushed
’neath the weight of this terrible foreign invention
Called Christmas—without death’s swift intervention.”

With eerie placidity, Kafuka’s reply
(With a far-distant look in her lustrous eyes):
“It’s not like that. How could it be? Sensei, can’t you see
That if Japanese didn’t spend bushels of money
We’d be outspent by China, Korea, and the States:
Yes, it’s unbridled greed that makes this country great.”

“And if hard-working, honest American dads
Didn’t listen, in turn, to our country’s ads
And buy their kids Naruto energy drinks
Where would our economy be, do you think?”

“Those are cynical words from an optimist loon,”
Quoth Zetsubou; but then, as if in a swoon,
Exclaimed: “My eyes are opened! I’ve heard what you said
And rather than die, I’ll save Christmas instead!”

(cont.)

* I know that isn’t hyphenated. But the poem only scans if you read it re-e-estraint