Japan in Review, 2009

Above: Yukio Hatoyama, banzai!

It’s been an exciting year for the Land of the Rising Sun: we’ve seen a significant political power shift, Japanese technology continues to both fascinate and frighten us; but their expatriates are still embarrassing them. So without further ado (drumroll puh-leaze) her are Japan’s Top Five News Stories of ‘09:

5) Japan Dooms Human Race to Extinction

From Ningin: Japanese Cylons Are Here

I find it probable that within fifty years, one of two things will happen: a) male genetics become obsolete, women conceive children on their own, or b) Japan makes a female robot so realistic that men lose interest in real women. In the former case, there will still be people (albeit all girls); in the latter, it’s only a matter of time before we’re all gone. Thanks a lot, Japan.

4) Japanese Man Unwilling to Wait For Lifelike Female Robots

Japanese Man Weds Video Game Character

As reported here. I actually thought this story was really touching and sad. I wish Mr. Hardcore Otaku 09 all happiness with his new bride.

3) Balloon Boy

Making Yoko Ono Proud

What’s that you say? You didn’t think Balloon Boy was a story about Japan? Well, let me put it this way: am I really the only one who saw this as a cautionary tale about disgracing your ancestors by marrying a white boy? Who wants to bet Mayumi Heene’s mother did a whole lot of tongue-clicking when this story broke?

2) China’s Hands Across the Water With Army Babes

If you liked it, you should have put a Medal of Honor on it

This an obscure story, and thanks go to Adam Cathcart for bringing it to my attention; but in one of the most bizarre moves I’ve ever seen, a major Chinese newspaper printed the above feature on Sexy Ladies of The Japanese Self-Defense Force. I think it just goes to show that whatever our differences, we all go for a woman in uniform.

1) Ding-Dong, The Witch is Dead

Which old Witch? The Liberal-Democratic Party!

I want the name of a country which recently unseated a right-wing oligarchy in favor of a charismatic moderate who, nonetheless, looks positively liberal after what came before. If you said America, half points; but I was looking for “Japan.” It’s unclear whether PM Hatoyama will really bring significant change to Japan, but when you consider how long the LDP was in power (e.g. practically the whole time since the war), you get an inkling of how the rest of the world felt when we elected a handsome gentleman with a tan.